The Bufo 5-MeO-DMT Experience
It’s been a few years since the Bufo toad venom had popped up on my radar – at that time I’d decided that rather than actively seeking out the experience, I would manifest it into my life. As these things tend to play out, I received a call from a friend of a friend inviting me on a journey.
The morning of the ceremony, I had just finished up with 24 hours of holding space for a therapy client. Half an hour later my crew and the facilitator (or psychedelic midwife, as the archetype he used to describe himself) arrived. Continuing to play host, I helped set up temple in the dome and ready everything for the experience.
Having set up space, we opened the ceremony. The first round was called the handshake; a 15mg dose smoked collectively. We were spread out across the room, facing the centre. The point here was to meet the medicine, whilst maintaining consciousness and initiating the letting go. With pride, I’d like to share that my years of practicing letting go has borne fruit. Whilst, I used to pride myself on how much drugs I could take, I now take great joy in appreciating how little drugs I need to reach even greater highs. The secret lies in the active surrender; lowering your ego, whilst consciously allowing the psychedelia to permeate your very existence.
The handshake dose threw me into wonderful DMT-like land. I was still actively aware of myself; whilst allowing the magic to melt with my body. I remember feeling fear, lust and the boundaries of my own presence within the room. I also recall my intentions which were to this point uncertain, solidifying into a clear direction: I wanted to be witnessed and held. I wanted to put aside the therapist, healer, space holder, the business man and every other responsibility archetype, revealing the very depth of my being, basking in my own vulnerability – and to be held; to feel accepted completely as I am. For no lack of wanting, I’d never experienced this prior.
The second (hug) and third (full dose) rounds were performed with one person on the mat in the middle of the room, whilst the rest of us sat around him/her and held space collectively. Going second, I chose to voice my intentions and inhaled 30mg of vapour. As with most accounts of such peak experiences, my memory is foggy – or better still, largely not existent. The secret is that when you get THERE, there is no YOU, no self and therefore, little capacity to form memories nor recall the experience. I remember the pipe being removed, lying down and exhaling…and then stepping out of my own shadow, I bared my soul. With a mixture of sound, movement and breath; I made love to myself. With no sexual intimation whatsoever, and with only glimmers of consciousness, I just was; in the freedom of my own expression.
I remember coming to, some minutes later; recognising my mind resuming its presence and confusion. Recognising my desire to step out of the stage and resume my responsibility/caring for others. Yet, I was not my mind, nor would I associate with it’s petty qualms. I sat up and looked around at the elated, glowing faces; all there for me and unwaveringly by my side. “HOW FUCKING GOOD WAS THAT!” At my request, they (and Reggie) all gathered around and smothered me in a group hug. It felt done. I never felt so held!
The show went on and the rest of our tribe had their journeys. It was magical to witness and an honour to hold space. Yet, a voice started to nag at me that I wasn’t finished. Believing it was ego driven, I pushed it aside; yet to no avail. Taking the facilitator aside he assured me that if there was a fraction of me that felt unfinished; I wasn’t finished. So, there it was. Round 3.
Having hit the roof with 30mg, it was decided that 50mg (compared to the 70mg others took) would be sufficient. I settled in, took three deep breaths and took a looooong inhale of the vapour (let’s take a moment to thank the toad for making this venom taste so neutral. A similar inhale of regular DMT would have me coughing and choking for aeons). I lay down, grasped a fraction of imagery, let out some kind of war cry……………and remember beginning to come to, quivering in ecstasy and feeling like a cosmic orgasm had just transpired. “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!” There’s nothing to explain here as I wasn’t there for it. All I knew was that I’d lifted off and accessed some BoNuS level. Basking in the afterglow, I felt no urge to step aside and settled in for a brief nap whilst both feeling held and hugging myself.
Today I feel good! I have no idea who the new me is; though I’m excited to find out. Sharing myself and being witnessed was soooo delicious. Feeling held was the cherry on top. I want more and I shall have it! I had a cry in bed and in the shower. Namely with pride associated with the ease I was able to surrender and shift from host to participant and back to host. But also in gratitude that magic like this exists in the world - and my capacity to access it. I'm very lucky.
This morning my kinesiologist also told me that I’m done with my shadow. That the ceremony helped purge all fringes of my current toils. This is not to say all work is done; far from it. Rather I’ve entered a chapter of light; a chapter to radiate in my confidence; to speak, move and live in the way most authentically as my soul desires.
Letting my wings unfold and stay open.
Stay tuned